break down.

today, as i was christmas shopping, i broke down and started to cry on market street. my hands were full, it was raining slightly, i was waiting for the light to change so i could cross the street and my phone rang. it was my husband, michael, calling from work. he asked how my day was going and right at that moment, an old man across the street, also waiting to cross, fell down to the ground. i guess the ramp was slippery from the rain. the man was homeless and black and- here's the thing- though there were several people standing nearby, no one tried to help him.

i can hear my husband talking but i'm not listening because i can't believe there's an old man on the street trying to get up and i'm too far away to help (and might get hit by a car if i try). i say into the phone, michael- some old homeless dude just fell and no one is helping him.

the fallen homeless man reaches him arm up to the closest person to him and this person helps him up. the light changes but i can't move. i can't believe the callousness or fear or... i don't know what. i'm still on the phone with michael just standing there, watching the old man continue down the block alone. he's wearing many layers of clothing and has a large ratty bag. i feel bad for the old guy and wonder what he might think if i approached him to say, i'm sorry no one tried to help you up. i'm sorry... i was across the street.

i'm thinking about this and the guy is half way down the block already and michael is saying something but i'm not listening and i know this is rude but this man, this man that fell... i follow him down the street and say, hey, here and hand him some money.

then i turn around and immediately start to cry. michael says, i gotta go. i say, i love you. i put the phone in my pocket and cry all the way to my car.